Uunveiling my strife

A tete a tete with my vulnerability

The idea of vulnerability being our strength made me reflect upon a time in my life when I had been vulnerable. The introvert that I have always been, I struggled a lot with social anxiety in the post pandemic years when I was in Class 9.. I was scared to open up to my friends, participate in co-curricular activities and even though I loved to sing, I was insecure about my voice. I had been a ‘Wallflower’- one who remained on the sidelines of social events rather than an active participant. I remember my friends used to bring their guitar to school, sit in a group and sing songs. I was even nervous to tell my friends that I wanted to join them with the guitar and stayed away, though I knew how to play it.

Consumed by anxiety, I stacked bricks day and night to build a wall around that feeling. I felt as fragile as glass and all I thought of was how I could not let the glass break.The higher I built my walls, greater was my anxiety. It felt like a hundred thousand nerve impulses, a powerful electric shock setting me ablaze.

 

My break through

One day, I decided to peek outside those walls. I opened up to my friends, feeling utterly exposed as vulnerability swept me over and I could almost feel the blood surging through my veins.A thousand nerve impulses coursed through my body, but this time, it felt good. I felt lighter. I realised I was not being judged. My friends told me that I should just play guitar and not sing until I was comfortable enough to do so.As I continued this way for a few months, I got out of my comfort zone and started singing too. They encouraged me to sing louder; soon enough, I brought my own guitar to school and we all sang together. I was no more scared, but felt happy and connected.

 

My transformation

Since then, I developed a habit of speaking out. I vented about what was troubling me, which gradually has helped me sort things out and build better connections.I realised that letting your guard down can actually lead to so much growth.. Today, I have no problem singing in front of friends or even strangers with no insecurity about my voice. I still have those amazing friends who supported me back then and have made even more friends who support me in the same way.

 

My realisation and learnings

Vulnerability is often perceived as a weakness as it is generally thought that holding on to our anxieties makes us strong. But let us remember that broken glass scatters light in ways an unbroken one never can. Vulnerability unlocks new segments of our lives that we are terrified to explore, but brings us greater joy than expected.
As we embrace our vulnerabilities and expose them, our heart might start beating faster, we may feel a surge of panic, a wave of nervousness or even jolts of crippling anxiety. However all of this is just proof that we are living and that WE ARE ALIVE . Aptly has Viginia Woolf said, “ You cannot find peace by avoiding life”.

About the author

The article has been contributed by Dorjee Chodron Tamang from St. Joseph’s High School, Matigara, Darjeeling.